Do You Have a Negative Friend Who is Getting on Your Last Nerve? 5 Secrets to building Positivity

Inquiring Snow Whites Want to Know - Why Are Scarletts So Annoying*?

"She is So dramatic," Megan complained. "You would think she is the only person to ever be mismatched on Match.com."

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"She never asks how I am. She goes on and on and on. And, if I try to come up with a solution for what she is whining about....She pinches my head off."

"And," Megan pounded the table for emphasis, "What positively pisses me off is that she has no trouble attracting men....they flock to her like bees to a flower." "She goes straight through men like I go straight through mascara."

Sound familiar? Do you have a friend who loves to talk about what is wrong and doesn't think she is being negative? In my work with single women longing to be married, there are four types of self sabotage that I see. I have sorted them into Snow Whites, Scarlett O'Haras, Sleeping Beauties and Rapunzels. Each Saboteur Style is uniquely and profoundly successful in holding women single against their will.

Can you relate? Do you have a girl friend who is a Scarlett O'Hara? I do. One of my closest friends ever is a Scarlett and as a Snow White, I have been So frustrated with her over the years. Of course, being true blue to my Snow White tendencies, I haven't been so successful connecting to her over the years.

I love to help people. I also get impatient when women allow themselves to be in awful circumstances and spend more time complaining than taking performance to conclude the drama and trauma of the moment. If a friend continually talks about what is not working in her life (very typical of Scarlett) she is like a runaway train. If I Can get a word in edgewise, she doesn't want to hear anything about her role in the drama.

As a Snow White, I like solutions and order. I like crossing items off of to do lists and I love construction and accomplishing things. I suppose I am totally annoying to my Scarlett friends too. Hmmm. So here I sit this morning pondering. How can a Snow White be a good friend to a Scarlett who is floundering a bit in life?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Find The Value Under Her Complaint: If Scarlett is ranting about how her co-worker shirks her responsibilities and Scarlett has to do her work and the co-workers without any appreciation or payment (A typical stuck place for Scarletts), instead of trying to 'coach' her into a great attitude (A Very typical Snow White response) try this. Search for the basic Core Value to reflect back to her. This will make her feel heard and that is sweet elixir for Scarlett. For example:

Scarlett: "I am furious with June. She will not file at the end of the day and if I don't do it, our shared work space is a mess in the morning. I can't stand it."

Snow White Wants to say: "You know June, she is going straight through that divorce and her children are in so much day care that she is feeling guilty. I bet she is just distracted and exhausted."

Snow White's Scarlett kindly Response: "So it sounds like population being responsible for their workspace and doing the job they are paid for is prominent to you."

You will be shocked how this seems to soothe the heart of a Scarlett. It takes some effort to find the Core Value...but it can be done. So worth it if you want to join together to her.

2. Set Parameters on Your Phone Conversations I used to be permanently ready to my varied and varied Scarletts (yes, I have attracted them all of my life!). Because of my kind and sweet nature and my willing ear, I would spend hours on the phone comforting, cajoling and cheering on my friends and family. Until....I realized that Scarletts tend to be Time Bandits. They can steal time in a twinkling of an eye. You know what I mean. Now I start the conversations with a time limit. Simply telling Scarlett that you have 15 minutes to focus on her and then honoring your own decision encourages her to cut to the chase. At times, I will positively tell my Scarlett friends to give me the Cliff Notes version right up front.

3. Ask If She Wants Your Help or Just To Vent Be direct. I know this is a big challenge for Snow Whites. We tend to be the queens of understatement and clue giving. I kiddingly say that I wish my hubby could read my mind. Truth is he can't and neither can anything else. You learn to be assertive and kind and Scarlett will talk and respect you for it. Plus, once you stop gift unsolicited help, she may very well ask for and result your counsel when she is ready to turn her circumstances.

4. Encourage Scarlett To Engage With A Cause There is not a Scarlett I know who is not passionate about one cause or another. Either it is the plight of the Palestinians, starving children in the third world, a myriad of political causes or animal rights, your Scarlett has a strong tendency to maintain causes. If she is going straight through a tough time, she may not be acting on these primal urges. You know her. What does she care about. Getting Scarlett to refocus on something bigger than herself is one of the most vital gifts you can give. Animal causes are thoughprovoking to Scarletts because of the drama-free zone they provide. Google The Snow Leopard Trust.

5. Four Magic Words That Open a Scarlett's Heart: Scarlett can be challenging. Swinging from wildly independent to needing constant propping up. She is thoughprovoking and bigger than life and can be a fabulous friend. Snow White has a hard time with the drama and trauma but it is possible to forge a great alliance if you want it. There are four magic words that will melt a Scarlett's heart and help her let down her guard every time. Ready? Here they are: "You're right about that." It is fabulous how hearing those words helps Scarlett feel happier. Don't bulls-t her. She is very savvy and can sniff out insincerity a mile away, but do agree with her whenever you can. As a Snow White, you may doubt how powerful this tool is. Just try it.

*Oh and by the way, did you notice the asterisk in the title? Well, that is there because we Snow Whites annoy the living tar out of our Scarlett friends and family. I will write all about that in a hereafter article.

Do You Have a Negative Friend Who is Getting on Your Last Nerve? 5 Secrets to building Positivity