Spike, a ten year old out-of-parental-control child is just that; out of control. There is nothing his parents can do in the name of reward or punishment that makes a difference. But that doesn't keep them from trying. Unfortunately, the way they try is guaranteed to keep Spike a challenge to live with. They think that aggressive behavior on their part will eventually subdue him. It won't but they will have to find out the hard way.
One of their many ways of trying to get Spike to behave is to threaten him. They get in his space. They raise their voice. They are hostile. They tell him he's gonna get a slap. They grab for a ruler, yardstick or something to shake at him. They interrogate an explanation. The dare him to step over the line again. They are oblivious to his anger, his clenched fists, and his inflamed face.
Train Table For Kids
What is the matter with these people? They are stuck. They are governed by some inflexible notion of how to parent. They must think that if a limited threatening assertiveness is good to keep a ordinarily developing kid in line, a lot more is required to administrate an out-of-control child. Their experience with this boy should tell them otherwise but it hasn't sunk in yet.
Don't they see and hear that Spike is doing the exact same thing to them as they are to Spike? He doesn't shrink from their anger; he steps up, toe to toe. He yells. He tells them what he'd like to do to them. He swears. He insults.
Dad gets carried away and slaps Spike. Spike punches him in the face. Somebody threatens to call the cops. Somebody else says, " Go Ahead! Who cares?" In fact, Spike doesn't care. The cops don't scare him. His folks have called the cops before. Nothing happens. No arrests. What do they think is going to happen, anyway? That somehow the cops will be great parents than they are? That is possibly true but they won't find out. The cops have great things to do than referee this dogfight. They give the family a warning and leave; just like they did last time.
It's a stand off. What a nightmare. But it didn't have to happen. In order for it not to happen again, somebody has to be the adult here. It won't be Spike.
What should Spike's folks have done instead of threatening when he pulled anyone stunt it was that he pulled? They should be poised and dignified. If they feel they need to speak with Spike, they need to verbalize a calm, low tone of voice, though it is best not to say anything. They should avoid seeing him in the eye as he will take that as a challenge. They should keep their hands in their laps if sitting or in their pockets if standing. Spike can misinterpret hand gestures as whether threatening or frailness depending on the gesture. Neither are useful. They should not touch him under any circumstances. They should keep a comfortable distance in the middle of themselves and him. This will help defuse the situation.
The key to avoiding pointless confrontations in the first place is preparation. Making ready is the reverse of surprise. Surprise is threatening. When hiking the trails of the American west, everyone is told to continually speak loudly, especially when the trail turns. This is bear country. You do not want to surprise a bear. You could get badly hurt.
Let Spike be your bear: No surprises and, hence, no threat. Given that Spike is out of operate and is likely to stay that way for a while, your job as parent is to lay the groundwork for his return to civilized behavior. At the same time, you are creating a much more congenial climate for you to live in. You want to give him the fewest inherent excuses to come to be enraged.
Whether he participates or not, reconsider a daily planning session nearby the supper table. possibly he will join. But don't beg him. The conversation should be open. Listen to him if he wants to participate. Don't allow any provocation to upset you. Stay calm and focused. Your tone in this setting, as in all settings, is important. Don't take anyone he says personally. Deflect inappropriate comments by telling all to return to the subject at hand. genuinely don't say anyone negative about him or his comments. Be aware of your anxiety level so that you don't scheme it. He is sensitive to parental anxiety and feeds on it. Don't be humorous in response to his comments as he is likely to think you don't take him seriously. Don't praise or flatter him either, as he doesn't trust you and will think you are condescending. Don't sympathize for the same reason. Speak clearly and slowly. Radiate calm. If there is a problem, try to break down the qoute into smaller actionable pieces.
Will this bring Spike to his senses and stop his awful behavior? No, not by itself but it is a step in the right direction. It represents a huge convert from the parent who got in his face and ended up slapping it. Threats are only good against the weak.
The Role of Threats in the Training of the Angry, Disruptive Or Emotionally Disturbed Child
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